One phenomenon in life that caught my interest is the unlived life that we may have inherited from our ancestors. This unlived life relates to the shadow that runs through the family line. We repeat what we don’t realise. We adopt unconsciously from our environment. In our early lives, with our instinctual drive, we try to adapt and survive in this world. Moreover, we are quite familiar with the term that history repeats itself. And this article is more focused on its smaller scope, the history that runs in the family.
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” George Santayana, The Life of Reason, 1905
This line highlights the importance of learning from the past and the ability to realise the pattern and cycle that run in the family. Have you ever observed a recurring pattern within your family line? Unfortunately, these patterns contribute quite a lot to our individual lives. It flavours our anima and animus. Besides our personal experiences in childhood or even from the womb realm, the experiences that run within the family lines also shape our perspective on life and love. Of course, it is like a string that moves us unconsciously. It may influence our choices in life unconsciously. It stirs us in the background and behind the scenes. These experiences, mostly thrown out of our consciousness, may influence and nurture our complexes. This will lead us to live the same life as our ancestors and bury our own lives. We live in automatic mode. Therefore, our unlived lives may hide our own potential and treasure.
Based on Jungian literature, Jung believed that it is our midlife task to ‘communicate’ with our anima, or animus. Therefore, this will lead us to travel back to the past, whether it is by drawing the line from our lovers and love stories, or it may also lead us to realise the pattern of relationships that run in the family. Or, on a deeper level, to realise our unlived life.
Our Parent’s Unlived Life
Suffering was inevitable in any case. But I want to suffer for those things which really belong to me. A decisive factor for me in choosing this path was the knowledge that if l did not respond fully to my life’s purpose and challenges, then they would be inherited by my children, who would have to bear the burden of my unlived life in addition to their own difficulties. I am aware of what a heavy burden was passed on to me by my parents. Such a burden cannot simply be shaken off. You find yourself weighed down with an inheritance that you have to accept and carry around like a snail carrying its house on its back. Carl Jung, Reflections on the Life and Dreams of C.G. Jung
It is common in society that a child may carry their parents’ dreams. Let’s say if one parent dreams of being a writer, yet this dream is buried due to life circumstances and the ‘self-rejection’ to bring this dream to life, this parent may put a heavy burden on his/her child to become a writer without even asking the child’s dream. It’s important to highlight that a dream is a smaller burden. Unlived life is not only a dream; it is our vocation. Our calling and ‘mission’ in this world. It is based on our authentic selves. It is our own signature in life. No one can copy that. That’s why it is such a heavy burden for a child to copy their parent’s signature. In that process of copying, the child should abandon the creation of their own signature.
In real life, it would be a crime to try to copy anyone’s signature while signing a contract. It’s a crime when one is trying to pretend to be someone else to take their rights. Why don’t we see it that way? It would be such a crime for us if we taught our children to copy us and to live our lives. Yet this is the common cycle that runs through society. And yet this also runs unconsciously, especially when nowadays we are quite familiar with parenting skills that teach us as parents to let our children be themselves. Yet we also face this unconscious content from our lineage. This is why the only way out is to be conscious enough of our inherited unlived lives.
I stand in the ring
In the dead city
And tie on the red shoes…
They are not mine
they are my mother’s
her mother’s before,
handed down like an heirloom
but hidden like shameful letters.
Anne Sexton
Realising our unlived life by responding
Midlife is the time to reset ourselves and to differentiate ourselves from our survival mode. This is perhaps what midlife crises are for. A crisis that brings a paradigm shift and will lead us to our authentic selves, no longer having the flavour of our parents’ unlived lives. Yet it is not easily endured. We need to learn, unlearn, and relearn about life and our perspective on it.
The first step in this process is to take a pause. Take a pause whenever you begin to react so emotionally and get triggered. Most likely, it is when our complexes are activated. By taking a pause, we may bring this into our awareness so that we can stop reacting and start responding. Reacting to something is not a conscious choice. It’s our survival method that we learned unconsciously. On the other hand, responding to something is a conscious choice. And the first respond as conscious choice that we need to do is stop reacting and taking a pause.
By taking a pause and then reflecting on the situation, we may realise which part we adopt and which part is our authentic response. This will help us to move closer and start to operate from our authentic selves.
Exploring the Depth of Our Shadow
When we begin to differentiate, we may realise our shadow selves. Parts that we rejected since they were not suitable and worked for our ego. The exploration of our shadow may contribute to and bring realisations about our unlived life. It is important to remember that our shadow is not only our negative part but also our potential self. It is our rejected part, and we may not always reject the bad part of us but also the golden part of us. The part that needs such heavy responsibility since it’s our own signature. It needs our accountability, and that accountability is something that we refused to have and became the reason why we threw our potential into our darkest part.
To be accountable to our potential means having a realisation of and acceptance of the responsibilities that follow that gift. We need to have the willingness to endure the process of living up to our potential and vocation in this life. Otherwise, we will continue to carry this heavy burden and burry our own potential.
Accept them in you, accept them as they are, even if you yourself
Nadine Gordimer, The Lying Days
choose to live differently, and you’ll be all right.
Funnily enough, that’s the only way to be free of them
Conclusion
To realise our unlived life, we need to do these steps:
- Bring awareness into our daily lives.
- Stop reacting and start responding by taking a pause when we feel triggered.
- Exploring our shadow selves by doing continuous self-reflection.
- Cultivate a genuine self-acceptance for our potential and our rejected part.
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